Be a Bitch

Moving my fledgling business home was a scary proposition. It meant having strange men come to my house, knowing where I lived, what I had, where I slept and ate. I had to look at it rationally or I never could have done it. These were submissive men right? Men who wanted ME to take control, hurt THEM; and do it without a single soul EVER finding out. How could any of them want to do anything to bring attention to themselves or do anything to hurt me? Their fantasy involved being submissive, helpless, broken. To be aggressive in the tiniest way would destroy that. Just as scary to me was the thought that I was going to have to ramp up on my dominant personality and be a bitch. Everything inside me had been conditioned from early childhood to be polite, caring, patient, understanding. I couldn't betray myself, but I couldn't just be me. I had to be someone I could live with. Someone I could wear like a second skin. Bitch I was not. Maybe online it was possible, but face to face? I cringed at the thought. Then a hint of a new persona began to emerge – playful, devious, devilish. I could show “hints” of being a bitch, but more caring with the notion that at any time I could turn. I could inflict pain, but only on those who enjoyed it. I could control men, but only when they required it. My whole spiel was that I enjoyed playing with those who genuinely enjoyed me. I could spank, flog, kick and otherwise inflict torture and do it with a smile, knowing that the partner in front of me did not just like it, but craved it. I wasn't taking advantage, I was giving someone a safe place to live out a fantasy. I could live with that. Especially since I enjoyed the mind play, the bondage, the cross-dressers and the role play afforded in many of the sessions. I got to be teacher, sexpot, sadist, spy, teaser or any number of personalities, sometimes all in one week. Not to mention how much I was learning about men and about myself. I think I was more amazed at what feelings and thoughts some of these activities brought about inside myself than what I learned about the other sex. Maybe this foray into alternative sexual fantasy was easier for me due to the fact that I was already never really surprised at what men were willing to do and honestly intrigued by what I was willing to do.